How to change a diaper

• Wake up.
• No, really. Wake up.
• Sit up.
• Have the wife explain that the house is not, in fact on fire.
• Resolve to not sleep on my arm again. Flex hands and arm until I'm pretty sure I won't drop the baby.
• Don't ask what time it is. There is no answer that will improve the situation.
• Take baby, put baby on changing pad.
• Search for the wipes.
• Look for the diapers.
• Search for the wipes, become confused when they're already in my left hand.
• Attempt to open wipes.
• Swear at whoever invented the EZ-Open latch on the wipes.
• Contemplate getting a pair of pliers to assist with opening the wipes. Gleefully think about tearing the lid off of the wipes. Frown as the lid springs open.
• Put diaper on changing pad, put clean wipe over diaper, put baby on clean wipe.
• Undo dirty diaper.
• Marvel at the similarity between an infant's poo and curry. Wonder if this will put me off Indian food.
• Move dirty diaper far enough down the changing pad so that baby won't put her foot in it.
• Pull out fresh wipes. Try not to feel too weird about cleaning my daughter's genitals.
• Make up for weird feelings by mentally rehearsing scary and pithy things to say to the first boy who seems overly interested in touching my daughter's genitals.
• Put dirty wipes in dirty diaper.
• Discover baby has gotten better at kicking. Wipe off baby's foot and move dirty diaper farther down the changing pad.
• Lift baby's legs and get that last bit of poo that's smeared on her backside.
• Hear baby make a cooing sound as she pees and soaks through to the clean diaper.
• Count to 10, watch baby poo out a fresh supply of poo (Ha! I win this round, baby).
• Swap newly dirty diaper for next clean diaper.
• Re-clean baby.
• Try to remember how tightly the diaper is supposed to close.
• Realize that it doesn't really matter, the baby's started kicking and any tightness is fine provided that it doesn't fall off.
• Admire handywork. Decide that diapers that are twisted at crazy angles will probably leak. Re-adjust the diaper until it looks more like a garment and less like some fashion designer's "creation".
• Pick up baby (baby will now be crying).
• Swing baby back and fort until arms feel like they're going to fall off. Marvel at her pretty smile up at top of the swing.
• Try to imagine that swinging a baby will somehow build massive back and arm muscles that will have women ogling me.
• Stop swinging baby, experience total lack of surprise in how she goes from happy to fussy in less than 3 seconds.
• Spend 30 minutes doing a bouncy-walk up and down the hallway.
• Listen to one perfect contented sigh as she truly falls asleep.
• Give baby back to wife.
• Collapse into bed, sleep.
• Wake up.
• No, really. Wake up.